i haven't been around much for a variety of reasons- one of the larger ones being my fam. it's tough having a fam. anyone who has a fam knows why- different people coexisting with each other and sharing the same genetic makeup doesn't mean it's easy to navigate the relationships. i can see the appeal of being marooned on a deserted island for an indefinite period of time even though i love my fam. but family makes me sad. i look at my immediate family and my extended family and i see folks who have completely blown their potential and worse. i see horribly unhappy folks eaten up by lonliness and/or addiction who have pockets of peace at best. i see folks who could have been really decent, generous people waste their lives chasing affection from the wrong people and choosing a life that hasn't led to happiness.
and it makes me sad. on top of the world issues- it makes me sad. and i am dealing with what everyone has to at some point in their lives- parental mortality. and so are they. sigh. difficult enough in 'normal' fams- tougher in dysfunctional ones. but, i have to say, they did pretty good today at the fam pow wow. my mom has been exploring emotions and the complexities of the human mind- we had a real nice talk about psychopaths last week- and trying to figure out how to reach inner peace. boy, if i had that answer...
i think my father is finally coming to grips with his mortality. he has always had something to prove- always fought battles he didn't need to in order to prove he was young or strong- or perhaps worthy. not easy growing up with alcoholism and it doesn't get easier with age. there are times when he has a real sense of humor or when he has moments of introspection- and then the bravado or stories take over and he's back at me, me, me again. and it makes me sad.
someone said that 'all politics are local' and i think we can extrapolate to 'the weight of family issues is equal to that of the world'- not an exact match but you catch the meaning. i am exhausted emotionally but the fam is reaching a state of forgiveness and peace that i never thought they would in my lifetime- much less theirs. and for the moment, i am working through the sadness of wasted time and moments- mourning the loss of the family i didn't get. and when i get done, i will continue to be thankful for the family i have.