Thursday, August 20, 2009

human beings

i haven't been around much for a variety of reasons- one of the larger ones being my fam. it's tough having a fam. anyone who has a fam knows why- different people coexisting with each other and sharing the same genetic makeup doesn't mean it's easy to navigate the relationships. i can see the appeal of being marooned on a deserted island for an indefinite period of time even though i love my fam. but family makes me sad. i look at my immediate family and my extended family and i see folks who have completely blown their potential and worse. i see horribly unhappy folks eaten up by lonliness and/or addiction who have pockets of peace at best. i see folks who could have been really decent, generous people waste their lives chasing affection from the wrong people and choosing a life that hasn't led to happiness.

and it makes me sad. on top of the world issues- it makes me sad. and i am dealing with what everyone has to at some point in their lives- parental mortality. and so are they. sigh. difficult enough in 'normal' fams- tougher in dysfunctional ones. but, i have to say, they did pretty good today at the fam pow wow. my mom has been exploring emotions and the complexities of the human mind- we had a real nice talk about psychopaths last week- and trying to figure out how to reach inner peace. boy, if i had that answer...

i think my father is finally coming to grips with his mortality. he has always had something to prove- always fought battles he didn't need to in order to prove he was young or strong- or perhaps worthy. not easy growing up with alcoholism and it doesn't get easier with age. there are times when he has a real sense of humor or when he has moments of introspection- and then the bravado or stories take over and he's back at me, me, me again. and it makes me sad.

someone said that 'all politics are local' and i think we can extrapolate to 'the weight of family issues is equal to that of the world'- not an exact match but you catch the meaning. i am exhausted emotionally but the fam is reaching a state of forgiveness and peace that i never thought they would in my lifetime- much less theirs. and for the moment, i am working through the sadness of wasted time and moments- mourning the loss of the family i didn't get. and when i get done, i will continue to be thankful for the family i have.

3 comments:

Thorne said...

Wow. Sounds like you're goin' through it, gal. Hard times but sounds like some redeeming moments in the mix (there always is, if we can just not miss them!) Hugz and more hugz and remember I'm here.

Pagan Sphinx said...

I got all teary-eyed...how can what you wrote not touch deeply? Family is always a mixed bag. You can't go back and do it over and yet we're always gonna make mistakes because that's just what being human is about. It's so good that you recognize and support those moments of self-awareness. I never got much support with self-awareness growing up and it became almost an obsession in my teens and into my thirties. Now I just known myself, good and bad, and I try to change what I can and like myself even when I mess up.

Big hug for you, sweetie. I'm here too in your corner with Thornie. :-)

Spadoman said...

Hugs to you Batmo. As we get older, so does everyone else, and you mention the mortality of living. No one gets out alive. We each deal with every moment of it the way it happens, sometimes we're sad for sure.
I hope I make it easy on the people when it's my turn. I hope I know when it's my turn!
Peace to you.