Monday, September 08, 2008

'whence cometh help'

i enjoy psalms. yep. they are attributed to king david and the king david in the christian bible lamented quite a bit- but there are also joyful psalms and psalms of comfort. most folks, me included, love psalm 23- the imagery reminds me of beethoven's 'pastoral symphony'. but i am not to be comforted today. there are days when there is nothing anyone can do to comfort you- and today is one of those days. the amount of grief and anguish bubbles up into a geyser and just keeps pouring out in an endless stream that would make the oilmen envious. sigh.

my sister has a tough choice to make- whether to let her 20 year old best friend live out his last days with a tumor that won't get any better or to say good bye and put him to sleep. my mother's health is delicate and her heart is getting so much weaker it is difficult for her to get around. my estranged father's health is fragile also and he wants to see everyone but the damage that he inflicted on my family is such that my sister isn't ready- on top of everything else.

oh, and did i mention that the world situation sucks right now too?

i know that everyone has their share of issues- and dumping them on others just sucks. this is why the very first noble truth says that life is suffering- and it's suffering because of attachments. there is no easy way to live. you just have to do it. when i was a teenager, i sang in the school choir. we were actually pretty good- and did a bit of touring now and again. for the life of me i can't remember the arrangement of the song- but i can hear the last snippet of my part running through my head, ...' whence cometh, whence cometh, whence cometh help.' and that's psalm 121. i genuinely wish sometimes that i could believe that there is a god somewhere who would love me enough to make things better and to make things fair and to make things right. but i can't, and there's not- and this too shall pass. and my family will get through all of this together.


The Future Was Yesterday said...

"i genuinely wish sometimes that i could believe that there is a god somewhere who would love me enough to make things better and to make things fair and to make things right"
We all do. We've been taught this bullshit about do what's right and fair and we'll be rewarded.....Riiiight!! The check's in the mail, and black is beautiful, too!! As a ten yr old boy, my world fell apart, and I begged God to help me and my younger Sisters. There was none. That was the end of God and I.

I had an experience when I first got to AA. Part of our 12 steps says "......having faith that a power greater than ourselves would help us" and another "...God as we understood him." I was double fucked. I had no faith, and I sure as hell didn't believe in God! There was this old boy about as well balanced as a truckload of marbles with a flat tire. He'd been sober some 25 years. I always gave him a wide berth. But one day, he was talking about "this totem pole in my back yard that I pray to when things get tight." "Bullshit!!" blurted out of my big mouth. He invited me out to his house to see it. I'll be Goddamned if this goofy old fucker didn't have the weirdest ten foot tall totem pole in his backyard!! All I could do was just stared and laughed.

"Faith" is a strange thing. It's what causes the placebo effect, yet what causes medical miracles Doctors can't explain. That's about all I know about faith, except for this: Find something,"anything", that you think can handle shit you can't, and put your faith in it. Way past weird, I'll be the first to admit. But it's how I found my way out of the Jesus Freak Jungle, and got sober at the same time!

Finally, when you have done your absolute best and can do no more, just stand where you are, hang on to yourself, and let life swirl around you. Whatever "it" is that does all these things we can't, is gonna be working Don't fight it, accept it, because the best of us can't change it.

Mary said...

I look for power in me. I try to have faith that it's all in me. I try to get my doubting self out of my way. Quite a job.

David G said...

Hey, Betmo, sorry to hear of your current troubles.

Life is a mixed bag and we all get a share of sour lemons and occasional sweets though not equally.

Know that your friends care and we hope that soon, the sweets return in large measure for you cause you're special!

Dave Dubya said...

There is something immediate and real for you to have faith in, even if you can't see it at a given time.

You have the love and compassion of fellow humans who care.

So, hold on, smiles and laughter await you down the road.

Brother Tim said...

Try Psalm 91 on for size.:)

betmo said...

thanks brother tim- that one was lovely too. :)

betmo said...

thanks everyone- it means a great deal to know that i have so many supportive friends out there. i have my help :)

fjb said...

Hang in there Bet. It's been a roller coaster ride from hell in my life this year, too. I wasn't sure if I would ever see anything good or positive in the world for a while, there. Then I found out that friends really are there for you when you need them most, if you just let them in.

My bud Nadine, whose young nephew hung on for almost six months after loosing an arm, part of a leg, suffering from 3rd burns over 70% of his body, and severe head trauma (IED), has been my rock and inspiration. Without her, I'm not sure how I would have made it through the last six months.