gettin' auld

this holiday season stunk. there really isn't a way to sugarcoat it. it started out promising enough with a few decorations- and no music- and baking and cooking along the way. but then- it turned for the worst. but that's ok. i have been on this planet for 37+ years now and you are bound to have a few 'celebration seasons' that you would rather forget.

so, i went to visit my friend and her family in my old hometown about an hour from here today. we had to postpone closer to cmas because of the snowstorm we got. the first one that is. i am kind of glad i waited. hubby usually goes with me but is out of town this weekend and that turned out ok too. there's something about getting together with real people that is comforting- and yet not at the same time. i have known my friend for oh, i would say close to 15 years and i have watched her kids grow up and been a part of that too. she is biologically their aunt- but there is no mistake that they are her daughters. and they have grown up into women all too soon. sigh. her oldest has a wee baby daughter of her own now and she is beautiful. her middle is starting her second freshman semester in college and her youngest is starting the last semester of her senior year of high school.

time flies. and as i drove through where i lived15 years ago- i realized that there is no way to go home again. looking around at places that used to be there and that are gone- or businesses changed- it's surreal. i know i am not the first person to ever feel that way- but coming at the end of the season of rather abrupt changes- it's a bit disconcerting.

it's the feeling that something is just slightly off balance in the universe. that i don't have firm, solid footholds in my life and that everything is changing. of course, my buddhist teachings tell me that life is constantly changing but this feels more like chaos. and i think it has made me succumb to situational depression- however slightly. it isn't so much that i feel like not doing anything but more that i feel empty- used up- short of energy. like i am a battery that needs to be recharged. and feeling kind of old.

again, i know that others before me have reflected about being this side of forty- but it's a weird feeling. this june it will have been 20 years since i graduated from high school- and it feels strange to be that far away from youth. not that i would wish to be back there- but for some reason, folks tend to be nostalgic for that period in their lives. i remember the music and the fashion and the pop culture because that's what was important to me then. (although i do try not to remember the boyfriend- he was a bit of a jackass :) i can see why my one friend stays trapped there. it's a comfort zone to retreat to when the real world intrudes.

unfortunately, for me and my realistic, brooding personality- it doesn't work for very long :) and i held a wee baby today and she laughed and drooled and grasped my finger- and the little girls who visited us in the summers are all grown and having babies of their own- and their mom and i color our hair and have hot flashes (her not me i am not that old yet ;) and look to each other for support as we look to the next generation. and the two of us look at the hand we have been dealt and realize that folding is not an option.