i have been thinking quite a bit about relationships lately- as evidenced by a related post this week. i have always been interested in the complexities and compulsions that make up the human being- why we do what we do. i think that we all have been in a position where we have had a relationship- friend or romantic- or even family- that wasn't right. we have all been in a position of discomfort when we decide we need to extricate ourselves from the relationship. no fun being the jilter.
having said that- i guess i am wondering now- what is it about some folks that they feel that they must hang in there until the last dog with a relationship? sometimes folks claim that they didn't know that the relationship was over. but- what is it that makes up a stalker? or a hanger on? what is it that makes some people ignore non verbal cues that there is no relationship to keep? i know this goes on- i read the paper every day- and a guilty vice of mine is to read the advice columns. somehow- it's always the same advice.
what is it about people that some just keep picking the wrong mate for them? i know that everyone aspires to be the one who is committed to a mate for life- but it rarely happens on the first try. i guess i was wondering that because of john and elizabeth edwards. you probably know by now that her cancer has metastasized into her bones and one doctor mentioned possible spots on her lungs. they have elected to continue the campaign. i can't prove it- but i have a feeling she wants john to continue. i have a feeling that he would have quit outright to be with her. you can dispute the man's politics but you can't dispute his devotion and love for his family. it is written in his face and his whole being.
anyhoo- there isn't anything complex or convoluted about my relationship with my former friend. i don't feel pity or have a superiority complex with her. i live a deliberately small life- and so does she. it isn't the smallness of her life that bothers me- it's her selfishness in life. her whole world revolves around her. when her father passed away before cmas- it was all about her reaction to it. it was about her telling me about how she broke down and how the minister asked her about a few words to say about her dad. nothing about how her elderly mother was doing- or her siblings. in fact, she gets annoyed with me when i ask. so- sarah hit it on the head. you cannot have a relationship that is not based on mutual respect. i think it is the firmest foundation- of friendship and love.
6 comments:
Selfishness as well as stubborness can ruin any relationship, been there, done that, didn't like it.
I always seem to go back to people do what they know, or have experienced. Some people are narcisstic(?), that's just the way they function. I avoid them at all costs.
I have found in myself a need to make something work, even when I know it won't. I think its just an unwillingness to acknowledge that I can't fix it.
As I get older, I avoid a lot of relationships, and value the few good ones I have. I can pass the time of day with anyone, but really getting to know them, letting them close to me, is hard for me to do.
I have lost good friendships by just standing up for what I believe in, which tells me they weren't that good to begin with.
Very interesting post, Betmo. Really made me think today.
You mentioned non-verbal clues. One of the causes of problems in relationships is a lack of honesty and clarity.
One should be verbal about communication. Trying to "read" body language or guess what someone is feeling, or really means, is a recipe for disaster. Ask any poker player.
In long-time relationships, people often don't speak-up for fear of hurting the relationship. This is usually the start of the break down of the relationship.
Being tactful is important, but being honest with each other is the only way a relationship can grow.
Without tolerance for each other's differences, it simply won't work well.
You can't adjust yourself to be accepted by someone else. Be yourself and friends will find their way to you.
The thing that puzzles me about relationships is how some people, a friend of mine actually, was left in the dust by his fiancee after she admitted she was in love with her boss. In just one year she has gotten engaged to him. To make such a snap decision, leaving the man you've been with for five years, is mind-boggling to me. I have been known to make snap decisions but nothing that big that quick. They were four months away from the wedding. I know this is a bit off topic but it is about relationships at least.
his life has improved since the breakup but it is obvious that she needs to be with somebody judging by her reaction to seeing him by chance from time to time and the fact that she jumped literally from one bed to another. Codependency is a wicked crutch and plagues some people for life. I just don't understand the reliance on someone else for your happiness.
It's true close personal relationships are work, a lot of hard work and a lot of forgiveness. Time has a good point there - honesty and openness is the only way to get the number one that keeps people together - Trust. Some people just are not capable of concern for others or don't know that their thinking is self-centered. They are blind to it and it's a tough handicap to live with.
They (John & Elizabeth) will be on 60 minutes on Sunday.
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