more questions than answers on this one, i am afraid. actually, i am not afraid but puzzled. what is it about people that makes some folks want to have nice things and others not? let me give you some background and examples- and perhaps you all can give me some answers- 'cause this is a real puzzler. i used to work in human services- more specifically with teens who had been placed into the foster care system and then later with runaway or homeless youth. i saw some pretty awful living conditions and growing up poor myself- i always aspired to be like the kids who i saw as 'normal.' now, my beef isn't with poor folks who can't afford to have a mcmansion or 2 suvs in the driveway. far from it- as i said- i grew up poor. no- my beef is with people like the folks next door who live in a building that looks like mine- here in the rust belt function before asthetics prevails- a three story, 6 rooms to an apartment building. the rest of my blog is made up of converted one family houses to apartments and one family houses. quiet neighborhood mix of older folks and young families(an addition i am not excited about because people don't parent their kids- but that is a rant on truth-pain's site).
why the geography description? because when you move somewhere don't you look to see where you are moving so that you are a good fit? or is it just me? there are 2 sets of recent additions to the block- neither of which are a good fit. these folks moved in on a year's lease presumably and have trashed the place up. my husband thinks i overreact(never!) but i have standards. everyone in the neighborhood keeps their yards mowed and the garbage to a minimum- and are respectful. not these folks. they apparently think that the world should pick up after them- and that they can talk as loud as they want when they want and just basically use their place as a flophouse. now. i ask you- why? when you can clearly see that those around you are behaving with civility and respect- why are you so wilful or obtuse that you can't do the same- or move? what is it that makes someone so self absorbed that they just figure that the older lady across the street wants to hear your expletive filled phone conversation? or that the landlord wants to pick up the garbage off of the lawn that your kid has thrown out of a third story window because you aren't paying attention? is this the norm? or is it just me? is this the sign of a new america? is this why we can't get along? i am a snob when it comes to respecting the property and well being of others. if i lead by example and respect you- why is it you won't do the same? is it that we have ceased to teach social skills? are we just so greedy and grasping that we can't be bothered with others? any ideas?
18 comments:
My oldest sister was living in Atlanta. Now, she is living at home. Why? Because her neighbors were loud and smoked pot at all hours of the night. She called the police on them, and fled here. She feared that her neighbors would come after her! She was living in an apartment complex, btw.
I was driving down the street to my home one day, and the person in front of me just threw an orange peel on the street. I'm sorry, but what gives her the right to litter a public street? I should have gotten the license plate number!
Unfortunately, these problems are very widespread. People are so self-absorbed and selfish these days. It only takes five seconds to think of others, but that is just too long for some people.
GIRL I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!!! I loathe my neighbors. I would very much like to share w/you pics of their yard :) If you're interested send me your email address - mine is on my profile. A twentysomething couple w/5 children who NEVER go anywhere and never clean up their yard. I get so angry every time I pull up in my drive and there they sit smoking cigs. I am twice their age - alone - and mow my lawn every week - edge it - put my trash cans up BEFORE I leave for work. I wish a tornado would suck them up. I'm going to sell my house next year just to get away from them.
I should have added this view to my last posting ... it certainly is related.
I betcha bottom dollar that their parents never made thaem clean up after themselves.
Peace.
Sorry folks, you're way too judgemental for me.
If people don't live and have the same standards as you do, you don't like them, call them names, assume they are sloth and judge them as inferior.
To someone, somewhere, you are inferior. How does that feel?
Talk to your neighbors. Voice your concerns in a respectful civil way. Find out the personal situation, maybe there is a reason for some of this stuff.
This confrontation would take some courage. Like the people you complain about that don't live up to your standards, you ask what can they be thinking.
Well, ask them. Maybe they actuially have an answer.
And eaprez, what does people sitting there smoking 'cigs' have to do with anything. I can see that you attack others because they smoke. I can see you attack others if they don't clean up their yards.
This is judging others. Do it if you want to, but I try not to. It has given me a lot more peace in my own heart to take care of myself.
Also, maybe the challenge is there for you to deal with it. Try thinking about the situation in another way. Instead of looking at waht bothers you and what you don't like, try to see some good somewhere in the situation.
Think about this:
In the Middle East, people have been fighting for centuries because the other person doesn't believe the same religious doctrine. tension exists and they want them out of the neighborhood.
In your neighborhood, there isn't fighting, yet it is obvious that tension exists. You don't like these people and want them out of your neighborhood.
Could go the whole
hog on this one.
But let us say
one by one we can
become more selfish, more detached more lost,...
or one by one we can, become more friendly, more social, more aware, more caring, more sharing, more daring, even more much more
Hello!
I came across your blog quite by accident and I love it!
I'll be visiting here quite regularly - you can count on that!
All the best,
Tom Degan
Goshen, NY
There is a new golden rule, it seems: Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you!
I get so sick of people's behavior sometimes. People aren't the way they used to be. Could have a lot to do with how they are raised.
I would call City Hall, find out what the ordinances are for trash, noise, etc., for your city or area and have it enforced...anonymously, of course. ;)
spado- yes i think that i am judgmental. i think i would be less so if there was a basic modicum of respect coming out of these people. it isn't as much the nuisance of the trash or the noise as it is a basic level of human respect. some folks will be pulled up by their environment and others seem to pull everyone else down to their level. why? what irks me is that in a city setting- you have to live together in harmony and i have lived here for over ten years. it has only been recently that i have witnessed this lack of regard and i guess i wondered why.
Betmo....Please do not take my comments as a personal attack. It is merely another way of seeing things, not right, or wrong, but different.
You state things like "pulled up by their environment" and "pull everyone down to their level"
These statements only tell your side of the story. Your assessmant of what is "up" and what is "down". Yopur view of right and wrong.
Make no mistake, you are entitled to it. But don't forget that maybe for one instant, there is a reason that someone does something that irritates you. Maybe you don't know what that reason is, and if you knew it, the behavior would make sense and possibly be acceptable.
Just some thoughts. Once again, we all don't agree on everything. I admire you greatly no matter what I might not agree with.
Peace my friend.
I couldn't help but think of the Christmas Story - you know the one with the kid and the bb gun, "You'll put your eye out kid"? Some down-home hillbilly type folks moved in next door and it became quite a comedy.
Hi Betmo, having been poor most of my life, and having lived in the projects I've seen two kinds of poor. 1) Those who have little, but still have dignity, hope & integrity. We were poor, but lived clean. 2) Then there are those who have been so beaten down from generations of poverty, lack of education and priviledge. They've given up on themselves and on society. When you feel that hopeless, you could care less if there's trash on the lawn or if your house is dirty. So the trash, the ignorant behavior is only a symptom of a deeper inner struggle- a lack of hope that things could ever be better.
Believe me, it frustrates me to see how the neighbors 2 houses down keep their yard. Looks like a dump & doesn't do much for our property value. However, I think the best way to make a difference is to look past the problematic behavior and treat these people with dignity, even if they don't deserve it. Sometimes it takes believing in someone else to help them learn to believe in themselves again. Thereafter, many of the other issues resolve.
However, if living conditions are so unbearable, rather than make a fuss, try to relocate ASAP. (Still no guarantee you won't have bad neighbors in the new location too- been there, done that.)
My 2 cents- for what it's worth. I agree with Spado & Quasar on this one.
Spadoman, my main complain is that the activities these people commit are illegal and/or against city laws.
Loud music does not bother me at all. My neighbor has parties on the weekend, and it doesn't bother me one bit. They are very nice people.
It is illegal to smoke marijuana. And the smell is so blatant. People who just smoke cigarettes don't bother me. My mom is a smoker - and so are the majority of my friends!
Plus, these neighbors next to my sister have threatened people who call the cops on them. Not cool.
Plus, it is illegal in my city to litter a public street. I don't see how it's acceptable to litter anywhere outside, in my opinion. There are trash bins everywhere. It would have only taken the driver five seconds to pull over and throw away her orange peel. Why is that asking too much? Why should other people pick up her mess?
My beef is that people don't follow the laws made to keep peace. I could care less about what people do with their private property. Heck, I can even tolerate adults who want to smoke marijuana, even though it is illegal. I just think they should mind WHERE they smoke, because the scent is horrible and it does not stay in one place.
Also, in my opinion, being poor is not an excuse for unacceptable behavior. My parents were dirt poor growing up, but they still had pride, dignity, and respect for the laws. My mom came from a shack in the rural South. It doesn't get much worse that that.
When will individuals stop blaming others for the problems THEY created? Obviously, my parents came from a much different time, when people took responsibility for themselves, no matter what situation they were put into.
no- i am not offended. i guess i just can't see giving up. i have always moved forward- sometimes on sheer willpower- to make my life and the lives of those around me better. i don't understand the mentality of giving up. it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist- it simply means i can't wrap my mind around it. normally, i am pretty laid back and inclusive and don't misunderstand- i haven't treated these folks any differently than anyone else. the folks in my building- whom i didn't really speak about- have made improvements in their behaviors after my husband finally said something. they aren't even supposed to be living here- they aren't on the lease- but since they have children we haven't made them leave. the difference between trash and poor is a bar of soap.
Sarah...You are correct in thinking something should be done when folks are breaking the law and then threatening.
However, none of my comments were in regard to your post. I was talking to Betmo and began my post with her name and commented regarding her situation which was dealing with messy yards and loud noise, not illegal activities.
I guess I am feeling like you are attacking me because I don't agree, totally, with what Betmo was complaining about. Please read thoroughly before reaming me out. Your complaint and hers were separate matters.
Thanks.
Ya'll know Dizzy has something to say about all this.
Betmo, it's not just you and guess what, you are totally entitled to be judgemental. That's like telling my kids they shouldn't be mad when the other keeps their side of the room sloppy. Sure, you could say something, but you could actually be looking for more trouble. Been there, done that.
I used to live so dirt poor that I would stay awake nights because, even though I lived in a quiet dirt poor neighborhood, there was still enough street fights and drug deals gone bad to make a single mother cringe when you heard a thump on the back wall.
I tried to be the good samaritan neighbor, trying to talk to my neighbors about their kids or their mess and in some cases, even volunteering to help them out. From people who really didn't care (unfortunately most of them), they just let the mess get back up to their original standard making it a frustration for me and making me avoid them in the daylight hours so I would not be "asked" to help them out, yet again.
After years of dealing with people like that, I totally reserve the right to be judgemental because I have lived among those people and tried to play the good neighbor and got slapped around for it. I no longer bother "helping" my neighbors unless they have already shown a penchant and a desire to keep things in a neat and tidy and a respectable neighborly fashion (like shutting the you know what up late at night or keeping their rugrats out of my yard instead of letting them tear up my garden).
The first rule is to meet your neighbors face to face whenever you can. If they are good neighbors, they will take care of you whether they know you are watching or not. It's the ones who don't give a flying you know what, even when you are watching that you should be concerned about...but it's been my experience that these kinds of people are slovenly in everything that they do, eventually they won't be your neighbors anymore...where they end up will no longer be your concern.
That's 15 years of residential experience talking and I have yet to regret prejudging my neighbors after taking care of step number one.
On the same note, I try to be a good neighbor regardless of whether I live around what my mother used to call "heathens". The way I see it, just because they are jerks is no reason for me to act like one. I can still be respectful while avoiding the neighbors I don't like very much. Because, for starters, you NEVER know when you might have to rely on same neighbors to help you in an emergency and you do not want to make yourself out the neighborhood CAD in case your neighbors truly need you in an emergency.
Unfortunately, the best advice I can really offer you, betmo is to grin and bear it. You are human and totally entitled to your judgements and I totally share them, so know that you are not alone.
Betmo, that was a great way to put it, "the difference between trash & poor is a bar of soap". However, I was always clean and was still labeled 'white trash' growing up simply because we lived in the projects. People can be very cruel.
Like you, I pull myself up by my boot straps and try to improve myself and the lives of those around me. That's the most important thing. That we not give up on ourselves, or give up on others...
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