Sunday, December 09, 2007

nothing to say really

i got nothing. just thought i would check in. the weather here in binghamton is gray and cloudy and cold and somewhat gloomy. so is my mood. no- not just because of the cookie thing yesterday. my heart isn't in things anymore. depressed? no- just sad and tired. that's what happens when you can't believe in ideals anymore- like santa, baby jesus, america, democracy, human nature- i mean what's left? in past years when i haven't felt particularly 'christmasy' we could say to each other- 'there's always next year'- and that was true. i am not feeling it this year. my mom's health is failing and there's only so much you can do to prepare yourself when a loved one is dying. i think about all of the loss this year- not just my own- to fellow bloggers and anonymous strangers- and it just sucks the life right out of me like a vacuum. i know that folks are struggling with their own mental health right now and don't need depressing posts from me- but that's life- and i am nothing if not a realist. i am not sure how to get myself on a more even keel because i have been on a news blackout for close to a month. it doesn't change the fact that i know at least 2 blogger who have lost family members in the last 6 months and they are still hurting; it doesn't change the fact that millions of innocent people in iraq have been displaced from their homes and that thousands of palestinians are kept prisoner behind walls that amount to nothing more than an eyesore of a gated community; it doesn't help that corruption oozes out of every orifice in government from the feds down to the village level and yet, people continue to take cruises and buy lots of stuff. short of killing myself- how to i stop the madness in my mind?

i think that one of the most horrible ads on tv right now is from best buy- where the family is gathered around the tree holding their gifts longingly and the father says 'after we get back from grandma's, you can open them' and they pull up to the house and the wife says 'hello mom' and then ' i think we're finished here' and they drive away. that's what makes me sad.

this is america.


Coffee Messiah said...

Ahhh, don't feel too bad. Since our family is all on the west coast, except for one cousin in MN., we are surrounded by most of the people we have met through our yrs after moving here.

And, most of our close friendships are with people in their 70s and older and 5 are near and over 90.

Alas, since the 80s I dread this time of yr. especially as you pointed out, so many "all" around the world do with much less than we do, and all you hear and see here in the states is to by shit and go into debt for no real reason! ; (

Keep the chin up though after all this bad, some good has to start cropping up soon.....

Anonymous said...

Ah, Betmo. I lost my Dad last December, and so this year it all seems sort of pale. But here's the thing (for me anyway) -- he had a wonderful life: he lived to be 86 years old (extra innings in my book), raised the four of us kids, and had one of those storybook marriages. My Mom predeceased him by 5 years, so this is the first Christmas being an orphan.

Your mother sounds like she had a wonderful life, too, and she must be something special if you are still so wild about her.



Larry said...

Funny how we all can relate in certain ways be it through the possibility or reality of death, the passing of time or just life as it appears today.

I try and hold onto the fact that "it won't rain always."

proudprogressive said...

Oh that commercial does the same exact thing to me..i swear exactly ! its horrible what a message. repulsive really. Now about what to do with that state of depression - ok i will give it a shot. First of all yours sounds "reactive" in other words a sign of sanity. Reality based. Our sadness, is something we must befriend. Its a song of our spirit , a mournful tune. Nurture yourself dear one. Watch stupid comedies for awhile - let that sadness be, don't fight it. For everyting there is a season, as the byrds sang. turn turn turn. Honor your sadness. Light a candle. There are many things to be sad about. We often feel helpless, but thats a feeling not a fact. We can give ourselves permission to cry when we have to - being sad is part of being fully human, without it could we know joy. I bet you know all of this, but i just want to say - do not beat yourself up for feeling badly. Its ok. we love eachother just as much even in sadness. We also need to give ourselves permission to withdraw. To be inside ourselves. Its critical to do this.

anyhow betmo - and all others feeling loss , i send you virtual hugz. take time to feel grief, there is no right or wrong way - it takes time, there is no substitute for time. And no disgrace in feeling sad.